Home
by Cally Starkiller
Summary: Home. Home is the Normandy. And to be surrounded by friends when the Commander herself has her first time being drunk...things could happen. And those things may or may not be pleasant experiences. After suicide mission. Celebration time.


**I own nothing.**

**Enjoy!**

**Also...**

**Don't drink and Drive!**

**Starting story...**

**Now!**

* * *

All she could hear was her own bated breath as she pushed herself to the limit. Heart pounding loudly, feet rushing, sweating furiously, she sprinted the rest of the way to the Normandy. She could see it in her sights. It was right there…home.

The Collectors were right behind her. She could faintly hear their shots but what overcame was the sound of her own heartbeat. Garrus and Tali were already aboard the Normandy, picking off the remains of Collectors.

The edge coming closer, she leaped. Time seemed to have slowed as the air whooshed past her face and it all came to a crashing halt as her arms grasped the side of the Normandy.

Tali noticed that their Commander was there and gave her hand up. Grunting in exertion, she was dragged in and Joker limped to the cockpit, with her following.

EDI was counting down and Joker quipped back, "Yeah I get the gist EDI!"

Shepard stood behind his chair, gripping it tightly. "It's not over yet…"

A loud explosion rocked the Normandy a bit but Joker jumped them out of there. Shepard had closed her eyes. Slowly opening them, she found that they were alive. "We…made it…Joker we made it!"

"Oh if Mom could see me now." Joker commented, swinging his chair around, whooping like an idiot.

Shepard just shrugged and started cheering too. Jumping up and down, she was just glad that they made it. No one dead, no damages, and the Collector base was history.

Joker actually got up from his premier leather chair and started laughing. Small giggles escaped Shepard's mouth and she hugged Joker tightly. "We're alive!"

"Yeah baby! Take that Collector bastards!" Joker cried out, hugging her back.

Excitement and relief filled her as she kissed him passionately. "We're home."

Joker grinned manically and agreed, "Home."

Shepard quickly clapped her hands together. "Alright. Party. In Kasumi's room. Spread the news. We stop at the Citadel for all night partying supplies."

She gave him one last peck before skipping off to deal with the Illusive Man.

And Joker just stood there, like any lovesick idiot. "I got the girl." He murmured to himself. Giddy like a schoolgirl, he adjusted his cap a little and got back in his chair and swung it around a bit before announcing the news.

* * *

"So then I told him to shove it and-" Shepard took notice of the man standing beside her. "Joker!"

"Yeah Commander…?" Joker crossed his arms, a small grin on his face.

"Come on. Sit down with us." She invited and as he sat down beside her, she continued her story.

"I was about to flip him off but of course, the Commander shone through and I just told Joker to cut the channel. The look on his face…priceless."

Kasumi grinned while Tali started giggling. "That's my Commander."

"Don't you forget that." She wagged a finger at her, proving a point and eased herself up. "Let's go Joker. Time to get drunk and sing 'Tik Tok."

Joker groaned. "Oh please. Not that again. You made us listen to it about a million times and now you want me to drunkenly sing the damn song with my hot Commander? Not happening." Joker tried limping away but Shepard caught up with him.

"Aw come on Joker. I bet you sing cute when you're drunk." She wrapped her arm around him and swung him around straight to the bar. "Kasumi! Serve us up. And besides...this is my first time. So...don't let me go out any airlocks!"

Joker shook his head at his inexperienced Commander. "Jeez..."

Kasumi appeared out of her nowhere, her cloak disappearing as she mixed the pink and blue liquor together. "Just be sure not to do it on my couch. I like my couch innocent and clean."

Shepard could feel her cheeks heating up as she downed the shot. "You're couch shall be free of any human mating processes." Quickly, she whipped around to see if Mordin was around. He was not. "Thank god."

"Yeah that Mordin guy likes to rant about that sort of thing. I think he knows that it makes us comfortable." Kasumi agreed as she cloaked again and disappeared.

"I guess I'll mix our drinks." Shepard went around the bar but somebody beat her to it. "Hey Thane."

"Shepard. Need assistance in creating drinks?" Thane's eyes blinked, causing Shepard to recoil slightly.

"Sure." She relented and the drell moved quickly as he mixed the drinks and made four shots.

"Enjoy." He inclined his head in good-bye and humbly left. Shepard stared after him, a weird look on his face.

"I'll never understand how he can be so serene." Shaking her head, she handed Joker his shot and the two downed them together.

"He likes you." Joker said simply while grabbing for the next shot.

"What? No he doesn't. His wife is dead and he has an angry son. I doubt that leaves any room for loving." Shepard downed her last shot and nearly gagged.

"Garrus likes you too." Joker said, sipping on the rest of his drink.

"EDI likes you." Shepard countered, laughing at the look on his face as he spit out his drink. "Jeez what's with this 'he likes you' business?"

"Just saying." Joker shrugged and wiped his wet hands on his shirt. Shepard snorted and sat beside him on the counter chairs.

"You're my only man Joker. And if I have to prove that then I will." Shepard affirmed as the two started kissing.

"Wow." Tali said from across the room, talking to Garrus.

"What?" Garrus followed her gaze and saw Shepard doing...something strange with her mouth with Joker. "The hell?"

"Cute but how do they do that without running out of air?" Tali wondered.

"Do what?" Zaeed popped out from behind her.

"Joker and Shepard." Tali answered, slightly jumping as he startled her.

"Bah. We humans do that all the time. Quite a natural talent actually. That Joker may not have the bones to fight but he sure has a lungful." Zaeed noted.

"Uh huh." Garrus muttered.

"Keelah he's like eating her face!" Tali cried out, stepping back involuntarily.

"Don't worry. They'll come out of it in a while. You alright there turian?" Zaeed looked to Garrus who had tensed up.

"I'm fine." He replied. "Just need a drink."

Tali sighed. "Joker better watch it." And she left to follow Garrus.

Zaeed shook his head, damn proud of the brittle bone kid. "Kid's got balls for taking the girl."

"Okay. Another drink." Shepard asked, a small smile on her face.

"Don't have to ask me twice." Joker took his turn and mixed the drinks, swirling them instead of shaking them and handed Shepard hers. "To us!"

"To us!" Shepard toasted and clinked her drinks with his and swallowed it one gulp. "Ohhhh burn in my mouth!"

"I can fix that." Joker suggested with a raise of his eyebrow. Shepard giggled, already starting to feel the effects of the alcohol.

"Commander. Joker." Garrus acknowledged the couple and poured himself a drink, drinking it quickly. "Impressive."

"What's up buddy?" Shepard asked, swinging herself out of the chair and onto him. "Opps."

"Get back here babe!" Joker hastily grabbed his 'woman' and laughed his head off, cap falling off.

"I see a bald spot!" Shepard pointed at his head which revealed a full head of hair.

"No you don't. You're drunk." Joker accused, easing himself back into his chair. Garrus just stared at the drunken humans and decided himself that he'd have to drink more in order to forget what he just saw.

"Oh my god! I forgot to tell you this Joker but Kasumi has all the best music from the 21st century. She stole the cds from some sort of heist of hers." Shepard's eyes lit up, and without warning she grabbed Garrus' wrist and Joker's hand and dragged the two with her.

"Kasumi! Play 'Tik Tok!'" Shepard called out to the thief.

"You got it Shep." Kasumi turned on her age old stereo and the music played loudly, the sound pounding at their ear drums.

"Perfect!" She yelled over the noise and continued to drag the drunken Joker and the protesting Garrus to the front of the room by the large observation window.

Shepard giggled but clamped a hand over her mouth before she started singing. "Wake up in the morning-"

The whole Normandy crew stared up at her and shrugged and started singing along. A few groaned and yelled out, "Not karaoke night!"

Garrus just stood there awkwardly, edging himself slowly out of the picture. Shepard ignored him and both her and Joker continued singing, their voices matching perfectly with the lead singer's.

Legion started beat boxing, knowing exactly what humans do when they are partying after spending some time with them during shore leave. A "Go Legion!" emanated from the crowd.

After the song ended, Shepard grabbed Ken's drink and held it up high. "I know…that we lived. And…it was all thanks to you guys. So…I would like to say this…I love you guys!"

A collective 'Love you Commander' echoed in the small room and Shepard handed Ken back his drink and Shepard said one last thing. "Let this party begin!"

More cheers came and Kasumi declared, "Darts over here!" And a small group of people followed the thief to a wall and some darts.

Shepard griped onto Joker's arm and the couple strode off and played darts with Kasumi. The rest of the night was a blur.

* * *

Shepard groaned and her blue eyes fluttered open as the bright lights hit her. "Ugh…bright."

She felt…uncovered and that worried her. Finding only a white blanket barely covering her she turned to the side and saw an unmoving Joker. The first thing that came to mind flew out of her mouth, "I broke Joker!"

A grunt came from him and she sighed in relief. "Good morning Shepard. My vital tests confirm that some of the alcohol is out of your system and you are mostly functional. I suggest visiting Doctor Chakwas before attending your regular duties."

Shepard blinked. Was EDI watching her the whole night? She looked down at herself and confirmed that she had nothing on. "Whoa…" Her eyes widened…"Ehh…"

She jumped out of bed and into the bathroom. Looking at herself in the mirror, her eyes still adjusting to the brightness of the room, she realized just what kind of a wreck she looked like.

Disheveled black hair, tired looking complexion, and a single bite on her lip. "Crap…" She muttered and dunked her head into her sink, turning on the freezing water.

Wringing her hair out, she messily put it into a ponytail and walked back out, blanket still loosely around her.

"Joker…I hate you." She plainly said, picking up various pieces of clothing and flipping them onto her shoulder.

"I also hate you for making me drunk. Yes, I am also blaming you. Also…I am talking to myself." Shepard sighed and laid back down on the bed, scowling. "I suck."

Glancing over at Joker, who was still dead asleep, she laid there for a few seconds, trying to remember last night's events.

She drank. Check. She drank some more. Check. She sang. Check. Played darts. Check. She puked. Check.

But what happened after that? Nervously, she looked back to Joker and back to herself. "If he has a broken leg, that's fine by me."

Slipping into N7 sweats and tee, she covered up the immodest Joker with her blanket and went into the elevator, telling EDI to wake him up in an hour.

Still feeling hazy and tired she stepped out as soon as the doors opened and saw…she wasn't so sure if she was still dreaming or not.

Shot glasses everywhere, Kasumi's door jammed open, Ken and Gabby laying on top of each other, Garrus was laid down on the ground, mouth slightly open, and everybody else was…hung-over.

"That's my crew." She muttered as she stepped over various crew members, and into Kasumi's room. It looked worse in there. Music was still blaring and Legion was shut down somehow. "Uh."

Leaving her room and entering the main mess hall area, Shepard examined Hawthorne and he was dead asleep. Next she examined Hadley and Matthews, and they were both mumbling something about the asari Consort.

Noticing Garrus for the second time, she rushed to his side and turned him over. His eyes opened and he stared at her. "You look…impressive." And he fell back asleep.

"Aw fudge bunnies." She huffed and left to find the rest of her crew. Each of them passed out or barely awake, Shepard went back to Kasumi's room and swore she saw a blood stain on the floor. Either that or she was more affected by the alcohol than she realized.

Rubbing her forehead which had been aching the whole time, she laid down on the ground, staring up on the ceiling. Faintly hearing footsteps coming nearer, she ignored it and was about to fall back asleep until she heard a familiar voice. "Hey."

"Hey." She answered, still gazing at the ceiling. "You okay?"

"For the most part yeah. Still achy but that's the price for loving."

Shepard scoffed at him and quickly stood up, but dizziness hit her. "Ehh…I still hate you."

"Still? What did I do?" Joker said incredulously, hiccupping soon after.

"First off, you made me look like an idiot in front of my crew."

"Your idea!" Joker interrupted. Shepard held up a hand and continued.

"Secondly, I drunkenly made love to my pilot." Joker grinned wildly at that.

"Thirdly, my whole entire crew is either dead asleep or hung-over." Striking her third finger, she let go of the other two, and flipped him off.

"Oh I'm sure you want to." Joker said suggestively.

"Ugh!" Shepard threw up her arms in frustration and strode off to the elevator. But what she saw next stopped her completely and fly back into the room. "Holy fucking hell!"

"What? Not so loud." Joker complained, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Thane…that drell…and Samara…they…err…decided that becoming…um naked was fun." Shepard mumbled the last part, face turning pale.

"Speak louder…uhh horrible horrible headache." Joker complained.

Shepard was still paling and refused to turn around to face the unclothed drell and the naked asari by the elevator. "I feel…sick." Shepard raced over to the bar and puked out the remaining alcohol.

Joker shamelessly stared at her ass and nearly tipped over from his current migraine. "So…Samara was naked?"

Shepard whipped her head around and gave him a cold hard stare. "Gah!" She grabbed the blankets that were still covering Joker and ripped them off and ran off with them.

Covering her eyes with her free hand, she threw the blankets on Samara and Thane who were slowly waking up. "Fucktards." She muttered, her vision slightly hazy.

When she went back into Kasumi's room Joker was still standing there, only wearing his cap. "Go to bed Joker." She said simply, and laid down on Kasumi's couch, surrounded by her friends who were also having a hangover.

"We're home." She mumbled, as Joker continued standing there, nearly hurling himself.

"Home." And he did hurl.


End file.
